When Your Child Has A Problem

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I try and discuss kids on this blog because I love kids and I want them to live the best life possible. I spend a lot of time with other people's kids. I want to come back to something more personal this entry. I have mentioned before that I am the mother of three children. I have two sons who are 12 and 9 and a daughter who is 4.

This week my son who is 9 and in 3rd grade was suspended from school and may be expelled. He made a really stupid decision and took one of my boyfriend's pocket knife to school. I was so shocked when I received the call from the principal, I even cried a little. I think I am a good parent and I spend a lot of time and effort on my kids. We spend family time together, they play sports, we talk. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and wondering why my child had chosen to make such a dumb decision. He is only nine but very mature for his age. I know he knew better.

So I wanted to share what we are doing as a family to try and rectify the situation and I want any advice or maybe similar stories people feel like sharing.

First consequence was total restriction from all privileges -- tv, video games, computer, mp3 player, and friends.

Second consequence was taking away all violent toys & games (nerf guns, play weapons, etc)

Third consequence was doing chores at home during school hours like yard work, and house chores.

Fourth consequence was writing apology letters to teacher and principal at school.

Fifth consequence is going to happen tomorrow at taekwondo. We just enrolled him in taekwondo last week but they are really great about taking an active interest in his life already. When I told his instructor about the incident at school the instructor was more than willing to help with my son.

I also had a police officer come to the house the next day and talk with my son about what could have happened if he would have pulled the knife out and tried to use it as self defense. He was saying that is why he brought the knife to school in the first place. He said a kid is bullying him on the way home from school. Unfortunately my son is already starting to have an issue with honesty so I don't know what to believe.

I know I have also mentioned in a previous blog that my ex and son's father is an addict, abuser, and liar. The kids don't have contact with him anymore because their Dad cannot be appropriate around them and put them in danger over the summer. I know that being in a verbally abusive relationship for almost ten years was very detrimental to my children. I also wonder about the genetics though. My middle son is so different than my oldest. They were both raised in the same environment but have different bio dads. I don't think my 12 year-old would ever even think about taking a knife to school and he is honest and a very straight laced kid. My middle son has had behavior issues since he was three. I am pretty concerned about what the future holds for my son and our family. One thing is for sure, I will never give up on him. I will try my hardest to help him make the right choices.

Any suggestions?

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Parenting Teenagers - 5 Big Fat Lies to Being a Perfect Parent

Author: Terre Grable
As a counselor, I have seen many parents run themselves ragged trying to be "The Perfect Parent" to their teenager. When their efforts fall short and the relationship with their teenager is lacking, many parents can feel frustrated and disappointed. Here are some myth busters of how to be the Perfect Parent.



In order to have a good relationship with my teenager, I need to:



1. Spend every waking moment with my teenager



Somehow there is a lofty thought that a good relationship with teenagers begins with spending all day, every day with them. As if "Perfect Parents" are the ones that spend all of their free time with their teenagers, filling their days shopping at the mall, or working gleefully together in the back yard.



Yes, and no! Spending time with their parents is something that most teenagers really want, and enjoy doing. However, teenagers also crave their independence. It is better to find a time and consistently meet with them, than to try to overcrowd your teenager. As in the end, this can drive a teenager crazy.



2. Have a serious discourse of the philosophy of life every morning.



Mornings can be a difficult time of the day for parents and teenagers. Hurried parents are often trying to get their just woken up teenagers out the door, usually with some sort of half - eaten pastry hanging out of their mouths.



Save the in depth philosophical discussions for a time when there are no distractions. Make the mornings as smooth as possible. For many people, how they start their morning will determine their mood for the remainder of the day.



3. Use every last penny of my paycheck for my teenager's every whim



Parents want the best for their teenagers, and enjoy being able give their teenagers those gifts and gadgets they did not have during their adolescence. However, sometimes parents can get carried away and over extend themselves financially, while trying to give their teenager the best life possible.



The irony is that most teenagers do not necessarily want a lot of money showered on them. Now don't get me wrong, most will accept monetary gifts and extravagance. But if a parent is trying to show love by spending money on them, this very well may backfire. Teenagers are quite keen at being able to distinguish between authentic affection and purchased admiration.



4. Know the answers to all of their questions



As a parent, we want to be the "go to person" for our teenager. However, some parents assume filling this position means they have to be the knowledgeable sage for all of life's problems. As if their inability to give an answer is equivalent to being a failure as a parent.



Horse Hockey! What is a parent to do? Find someone that may know the answer. Being able to point your teenager into the right direction will encourage self determination, and it will show that you are listening and taking their questions seriously.



5. Be the "cool" parent



Many parents attempt to be the "cool" parent that blends into the teenage crowd. They dress the part, listen to the same music as their teenager, and even try to pick up the current slang of the day. While the intention of wanting to connect to the teenage world is noble, often this can result in embarrassment for both you and your teenager.



Instead, just be yourself. This is not to say that as a parent your dress attire cannot be current and contemporary. Nor that you cannot share any similar taste in music or popular culture with your teenager. However, the rule of thumb is authenticity rather than resorting to becoming an adolescent yourself by trying to "fit in." You would probably find that your teenager's respect for you is not based in what you wear, but in who you are.
About the Author:
Are you looking for more practical solutions for parenting your teenager? I invite you to check out http://www.parentingyourteenager.com/ where you will find more information to help parents and teens become better friends when they feel like enemies.
Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Parenting Teenagers - 5 Big Fat Lies to Being a Perfect Parent

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Application and Perseverance

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Application and Perseverance by Adrian Kennelly

Without application and perseverance, if we rise at all, we shall-to use a common expression-" go up like a rocket and come down like a stick."

Sydney Smith says: " The prevailing idea with young people, has been the incompatibility of labor and genius ; and therefore, from the fear of being thought dull, they have thought it necessary to remain ignorant. It would go very far to destroy the absurd and pernicious association of genius and idleness, to show that the greatest poets, orators, statesmen, and historians-men of the most imposing and brilliant talents-have actually labored as hard as the makers of dictionaries and arrangers of indexes ; and the most obvious reason why they have been superior to other men, is, that they have taken more pains than other men.

" Gibbon was in his study every morning, winter and summer, at six o'clock ; Burke was the most laborious and indefatigable of human beings; Leibnitz was never out of his library; Pascal killed himself by study; Cicero narrowly escaped death from the same cause; Milton was at his books with as much regularity as a merchant or an attorney; he had mastered all the knowledge of his time; so had Homer ; Raphael lived but thirty-seven years, and in that short space carried the art of painting so far beyond what it had before reached, that he appears to stand alone as a model to his successors."

Dalton, the chemist, always repudiated the notion of his being " a genius," attributing everything which he had accomplished to simple industry and accumulation.

Disraeli the elder, held that the secret of all success consisted in being master of your subject, such a result being only attainable through continuous application and study.

Newton, when asked by what means he had worked out his wonderful discoveries, modestly replied, " By always thinking unto them."

A great point is to get the working quality well trained. Facility comes with labor. Nothing can be accomplished without it. Continuous application will effect marvellous results in the commonest of things. It may seem a simple thing to play upon a violin; yet what a long and laborious practice it requires! Giardini, when asked by a youth how long it would take to learn it, replied, " Twelve hours a day for twenty years together."

When Taglioni, the great danseuse, was preparing herself for her evening performance, she would, after a severe two hours' lesson from her father, fall down exhausted, and had to be undressed, spunged, and resuscitated, totally unconscious. Success was attained only at a price like this.

Less than half of such application devoted to self culture, could scarcely fail in insuring success. Progress, however, as a rule, is slow. Wonders cannot be achieved at once ; and we must be satisfied to advance in improvement as we walk step by step. It has been said, that " to know how to wait is the great secret of success." Sow first, then reap; and oftentimes we must be content to look forward patiently in hope ; the fruit best worth waiting for often ripens the slowest. " Time and patience," says the Eastern proverb, " change the mulberry leaf to satin."

The greatest results in life are usually attained by simple means, and the exercise of ordinary qualities. The common life of every day, with its cares, necessities, and duties, affords ample opportunity for acquiring experience of the best kind; and its most beaten paths provide the true worker with abundant scope for effort and room for self-improvement. The great high-road of human welfare lies along the old highway of steadfast well-doing; and they who are the most persistent, and work in the truest spirit, will invariably be the most successful.

Fortune has often been blamed for her blindnest; but fortune is not so blind as men are. Those who look into practical life will find that fortune is usually on the side of the industrious, as the winds and waves are on the side of the best navigators. Success treads on the heels of every right effort ; and though it is possible to overestimate success to the extent of almost deifying it, as is sometimes done, still, in any worthy pursuit, it is meritorious. Nor are the qualities necessary to insure success at all extraordinary. They may, for the most part, be summed up in these two-common sense and perseverance.

This is an extract from Room at the Top

Purchase the full 132 page ebook for $37 from the DirectoryGold eProducts Shop

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Teenage Parenting -- Teenager Developmental Needs

Author: Richard Y.
In Teenage Parenting, understanding teenager developmental needs will help parents to respond appropriately to the situation and this will help in reducing conflict and defiance. In Teenage Parenting, we will look at the different teenager development needs.

One of the primary teenager developmental needs is the need to become independent of their parent. It is a self preservation instinct for teenager to develop an independent streak. This is the time when the teenager will be testing the parent limit and breaking rules in order to establish his independence. Here the parent has to figure out where they need to compromise or negotiate and where they need to stand firm.

As teenagers become independent of their parents, they will start to define their own identity .This is where it is normal for the teenagers to reject their parent ideas, opinions and values in favor of their friend ideas, opinions and values. The parent has to accept this fact and not to be too emotional about it.

While searching for their own identity, they do not want to appear weak especially to their peers and parents. When in a situation that has the potential to lead into a conflict, find a way for your teenager to give in gracefully without the teenager appearing to be weak or childish.

Teenagers typically give their mothers a more difficult time than their fathers during the developmental need stage. Teenager will identify who is the weaker link and will then attack and test that weak link to get what he or she want. In our society , the mother has a bigger exposure to the teenager as the mother spend a lot more time with the teenager than the father and also the father is usually the authoritative figure in the family. This is why the mother is usually given a more difficult time by the teenager. The father needs to provide support to the mother and act as a team in dealing with the situation.

Friends begin to play a bigger role during the teenager development need stage .This is a stage where the teenager will spend more time with friends than with the parent. Here the teenager will want to develop closer peer relationship to fulfill a sense of belonging in the group. The parent should play a role in supporting the teenager need but should set negotiable and non negotiable boundaries to ensure a safe environment for the teenager.

In Teenage Parenting, you will discover that there are more than 150 proven techniques that can help parents to deal with various teenager issues.
About the Author:
(Copyright Richard Y.) – To deal with your teenager issues, check out the Teenage Parenting guide at out web site.
Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Teenage Parenting -- Teenager Developmental Needs

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Rules Rules Rules

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So Hearts with a Mission is not even a month old and the reality is starting to set in. I personally find it slightly entertaining to watch the realization of what dealing with teenagers is all about. Teenagers are drama, and hard work. The big argument that has the staff slightly divided at the moment is rules. The plan was to run the shelter like a home and not a facility. Meaning, minimal rules and more focus on the kids. While this is a wonderful sounding proposition, actually making it work is a whole other story.

I don't know about your house, but my house has rules. I have three children who if left to their own devices would lay havoc to our home. They would eat junk all the time, stay up late, leave a mess everywhere they went, and totally ransack the house. I know this because I see how they act at their Grandparent's house where there are minimal rules and it ain't good. Not only does this lawlessness cause me a headache, it also isn't good for the children. Why....

Children need rules and boundaries to feel secure. Discipline done right is one of the most important ways to show a child you care about them. We are from nature so I look to nature for answers. When it comes to parenting and rearing young in nature, there is always rules and boundaries. If there wasn't, your young would die. So boundaries at their foundation arise to keep offspring alive and safe. What do most of the boundaries we have today provide? Do they provide safety? Do we have curfews because we want to restrict our children's social lives, or do parent's know that nighttime is an unsafe time for kids to be wondering around unsupervised. Girls get raped, boys get drunk and drive or do macho stunts to show how tough they are.

But aren't kids smart enough to make choices for themselves? No. Even better, hell no. I sat in many a juvenile delinquency class debating the juvenile justice system. Why do we have a juvenile justice system? Why don't we just throw all kids who commit crimes into the adult system? Well for one reason it is to protect them from the adults who could take advantage of the kid. However, the main reason is that it has been scientifically proven that juveniles have not developed the rational thinking areas of their brain and are not capable of making the same decisions and conclusions as an adult. Kids don't think about consequences, they think about right now.

So, in terms of the shelter, you have to have rules. They are necessary to keep a household running smoothly. It is not to be mean, it is to create a harmonious living environment for all the kids. Boundaries are necessary and beneficial. It doesn't make the facility jail, it makes it a functional home. The kids push against the boundaries because they most likely have never been in a functional home, but they adjust, and they flourish.

You have to have boundaries with your kids. You are not their friend, you are their protector. They need these boundaries when they are young and then when they become teenagers it isn't such a struggle to regain control. Most of the kids at the shelter are here because there were no boundaries in their home when they were young and now their parents are trying to enforce rules the kids don't agree with. That and some dysfunction in the family structure. If all parents would just put the hard work in when their kids were young, the teenage years could be a positive time instead of war. Think about it...

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Attitude

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The Night Shift

So this is my second week of work and this night shift stuff is a killer. About 4 am I am so tired that I just want to close my eyes but I know if I give in I will soon be off to slumber land and unemployment. It was nice to come to work tonight and have two kids in the house. They are really nice people and I enjoyed their company until they had to go to sleep. The first two nights I worked the graveyard shift, I worked alone. Tonight I am working with another person because we have to have a staff person of each gender because we have kids of both genders in the house. It kind of sucks having another adult here because I did my Pilates about this time last week but it is kind of embarrassing to do Pilates in front of an audience, I would much rather do it with no one around. I think I will wait and do it at home when I wake up tomorrow. I am really excited about all the new experiences I am going to have with this job and all the kids I am going to meet. There is nothing like the spark for life in the eyes of a child. Even a child that has gone through horrific events seems to have this perseverance that inspires me. It just makes you want to find that fire inside yourself that has died out in adulthood. They are truly inspiring and amazing, every one.